I got a notification the other day to let me know it was our 10th anniversary of being in a relationship. Ten years of you answering to my every beck and call and yet, something hasn’t been feeling right recently. I’m sure you’ve noticed too. Is that why you’ve started to pay more attention when I look elsewhere?
I used to find it cute, like you’d read my mind when you’d suggest a new hobby I should take up. Or when you’d send me a discount as I’d been lingering over whether to treat myself and you were like, “Go for it!” #YOLO and you’d tell me I was worth it. You said all the right things and of course I fell for it. Every. Single. Time.
Then on the run up to Christmas you’d even tease me with the Locker competition. I stalked your Twitter account all advent to see if you were going to be in my neighbourhood. You never did show but you still had me hanging and thinking, maybe next year. Except no. This time, there will be no next year. I’m growing a pair and calling this one off.
You see, ten years is a long time and normally I’d say you can’t be looking backwards and thinking about how much a relationship cost you and yet, on this occasion, I can.
Maybe it’s because I’ve started working in a town centre.
When I was working from home, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I got a kick out of seeing the postman walking up the drive ladened down with those brown cardboard parcels from you. Now though, I’ve changed. I’m not interested as most times now you just leave me a slip to say you “tried” to leave me what I wanted but now I have to go right out of the way to finish off the job for myself. By that I of course mean visiting the local parcel depot across town. And while it gets the job done, it doesn’t feel as good when I have to do it myself. You were still only a quick fix and left me wanting more.
So how did it come to this?
I want more, I want that personal touch. I want a bit of chat before I get what I need and frankly I just don’t need that much these days. You filled a gap when I felt something was missing. You probably know this about me but there wasn’t really a gap there to fill. I didn’t know this though. My anxiety meant that I was constantly searching for things I could control and fix in my life and you just had a solution for everything didn’t you?! Except you didn’t. I’ve escaped the relationship which left me feeling used and out of control and now we need to talk.
I get that you were there for me when I did need you.
When I was short on printer ink during my studies. When I needed a gift for my nephew. And those times when picking up the dog food along with the rest of my supermarket shopping was just too much. You were there. You delivered.
But I feel used.
Those times I didn’t know what I was doing, you kept on telling me what I needed rather than letting me learn for myself that I was good enough without you. I could have coped! I see that now. Except you pushed and pushed. Giving me this and so I needed that to go with it. On and on. I needed to break the cycle.
Looking at the facts.
We have a lot of history. You were there during the house moves, the wedding planning, the babies. The fitness regimes where I should have just pulled on a pair of trainers and stepped out of the front door.
Instead you told me I needed a FitBit, armband, water bottle, reflective clothing, motivational music, new trainers, compression socks, secret clip on purse, self-tying shoes, wireless headphones, books on running, wifi enabled weighing scales, protein shakes, a shake bottle, energy bars and a bungee dog lead so Lola could go with me too.
You’d replaced the joy of simple things and this made me sad.
10 whole years of accounts. They weren’t easy to track down. Apparently if I had been in America there’s just one button to press and the total amount ever spent on you would have been revealed but even now, you made me work for the answer. You even made me speak to a real human being on the phone to try and get the answer. No, the irony wasn’t lost on me either.
Even now, I have all the history and all the numbers but you wouldn’t add it up for me. I only get as far back as 18 months and it already nears £5k and then I get a phonecall or one of the kids needs me and suddenly adding up our history to get the exact number is now just irrelevant. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’d already signed off. Not updated my details when they changed. I knew I wanted and needed more from our relationship and it is time for me to move on.
So it appears I’ve come full circle. For so long I thought you were enough but actually I’d just forgotten how much more others can offer me and you know what, I’m loving it! So I am sorry for how abruptly things have ended but the final straw was when you started listening in on my conversations at home and tried to pre-empt my next move. I’m now involved in something much more meaningful and have found how to be happy on my own. No more long distance relationships. Chance encounters, closer to home are now my cup of tea and it is saving me significant amounts of money.
Bye Bye Amazon, it was fun but it’s time to break up.
Love Hollie x